Confrontational, not Contentious

One of the things I often see people do from an interpersonal communication perspective is avoid conflict.  I think the reason for this is that most people feel like being confrontational is the same as being contentious.  Even when it’s something that needs to be addressed, people are so concerned about hurting feelings or seeming like a jerk that they never say anything.  And I’m sure we can all think of times where bitterness builds up from this kind of thing and causes a much bigger problem down the road.

What’s odd to me is that Christians often feel this way, despite having Christ’s example set plainly before us.  Just a cursory glance through the book of John revealed the following verses where we can see Jesus being confrontational in some way:

John 1:51; 2:4, 13-22; 3:1-15; 4:7-26; 5:8, 17ff; 6:41-59; 7:14-24; 8:1-11; 9:3; 10:25-33; 11:1ff; 12:7; 13:4ff, 21ff…..

That’s just a basic glimpse, but notice something – starting in chapter 1, there is something confrontational from Jesus in every chapter in which he speaks.  The gospel of John alone is laden with confrontation from Jesus.  He speaks things that cause conflict in people.  He directly confronts people who he knows hate him.  He says and does things that are going to make people want to kill him!  Jesus is the most confrontational character in the entire Bible!

At the same time, Jesus does not seem to be to be contentious.  And here is where  I wish Christians would make a distinction.  There is a difference between being confrontational and being contentious.  A contentious person, to me, is someone who seeks conflict for their own glory.  They like to stir up trouble just to be a part of it.  They like to make themselves look good.  It’s a pride thing.  They like to argue and try to make others look stupid.  They are haughty and careless.

But that’s not the picture of Jesus we get.  Jesus is humble, though direct.  He doesn’t go into things seeking to make himself look good.  In fact, most of what he does he knows is going to make himself look bad!  People said he had demons, after all.  They called him a blasphemer and many other things.  So why did he make confrontation? So that God could be glorified.  He knew the Pharisees and those like them needed to be dealt with.  They needed to be confronted.  And so he did what he needed to do.  He didn’t shy away from it, afraid people might think he was conceited or a trouble maker.  That was going to happen, but it still needed to be dealt with.

And this is, incidentally, the same attitude we see from Paul in Galatians 2:11ff.  When he sees how Peter is behaving, does he shirk the responsibility, afraid that he might cause some conflict?  On the contrary, in front of everyone he confronts Peter with his sin.  But was he contentious about it?  I don’t see any reason to believe that.  It wasn’t about Paul being so awesome, but rather about the people around them being persuaded to more closely follow Christ.

I guess here’s my point – sometimes things need to be confronted, and sometimes, it’s going to be a bit dirty.  But just because something isn’t pretty doesn’t mean it doesn’t need to be done.  Surgery isn’t pretty, but it saves lives when done properly.  In fact, I think that’s the analogous difference between confrontational and contentious.  Being confrontational is like doing surgery.  It can be painful, a bit nasty, and may even take a bit to heal up.  But in the end you’re better for it.  Being contentious, on the other hand, is nothing more than slicing people open wildly with a knife, all the while claiming that you are trying to help.  It’s going to be bloody, painful, and nothing short of damaging to everyone involved.

So just a thought of encouragement – let’s learn not to be afraid of confrontation! But as we are admonished in Proverbs, we need to involve wisdom in our decisions.  Perhaps that is one of the key differences between confrontation and contention – wisdom.  Even Jesus knew there were times to avoid confrontation and times to take it head-on (cf. John 7:1ff).  Of course, this is going to take wisdom from all sides.  Imagine you’re Peter, being confronted by Paul – what’s your first reaction?  Mine is going to be defensiveness.  I’m going to do whatever I can to not face the facts.  So from the side of the confronted, we’ve got to be more willing to take the criticism that may be involved.

Regardless, just because something can be difficult doesn’t mean it needs to be avoided.  It takes years and years of training to become a skilled surgeon.  So too it will take time to be skilled in confronting people without being contentious.  Nevertheless, it needs to happen!  We need more confrontation and less acquiescence.  I’m not saying we need confrontation all the time, but we certainly need to stop worrying so much about avoiding it that we never say some hard things that need to be said.  Maybe this plays out among our brothers and sisters in Christ, where we address and discuss problems openly, even when they may  lead to a great deal of tension.  Or maybe it plays out in evangelism, when we frankly talk to people about their need for Christ.  Maybe it plays out in a more practical way, as we deal with our families or co-workers.  Regardless, I think if we can be more like Christ – a character who is meek, humble, and confrontational – we will be better off.

I would like to pose a final question to any of you reading.  How do we accomplish this?  How can we go about being confrontational without being contentious?  What was it that made Christ a character who is both without blame, yet blatantly confrontational in his communication with the people around him?  What can we learn from his life in this way, and how can we apply it to our own lives?  I look forward to your thoughts here, because the practical application of this idea is, without a doubt, the hardest part about it!