One of the things I often see people do from an interpersonal communication perspective is avoid conflict. \u00a0I think the reason for this is that most people feel like being confrontational is the same as being contentious. \u00a0Even when it’s something that needs to be addressed, people are so concerned about hurting feelings or seeming like a jerk that they never say anything. \u00a0And I’m sure we can all think of times where bitterness builds up from this kind of thing and causes a much bigger problem down the road.<\/p>\n
What’s odd to me is that Christians often feel this way, despite having Christ’s example set plainly before us. \u00a0Just a cursory glance through the book of John revealed the following verses where we can see Jesus being confrontational in some way:<\/p>\n
John 1:51; 2:4, 13-22; 3:1-15; 4:7-26; 5:8, 17ff; 6:41-59; 7:14-24; 8:1-11; 9:3; 10:25-33; 11:1ff; 12:7; 13:4ff, 21ff…..<\/p>\n
That’s just a basic glimpse, but notice something – starting in chapter 1, there is something confrontational from Jesus in every chapter in which he speaks. \u00a0The gospel of John alone is laden with confrontation from Jesus. \u00a0He speaks things that cause conflict in people. \u00a0He directly confronts people who he knows hate him. \u00a0He says and does things that are going to make people want to kill him! \u00a0Jesus is the most confrontational character in the entire Bible!<\/p>\n
At the same time, Jesus does not seem to be to be contentious. \u00a0And here is where \u00a0I wish Christians would make a distinction. \u00a0There is a difference between being confrontational and being contentious. \u00a0A contentious person, to me, is someone who seeks conflict for their own glory. \u00a0They like to stir up trouble just to be a part of it. \u00a0They like to make themselves look good. \u00a0It’s a pride thing. \u00a0They like to argue and try to make others look stupid. \u00a0They are haughty and careless.<\/p>\n
But that’s not the picture of Jesus we get. \u00a0Jesus is humble, though direct. \u00a0He doesn’t go into things seeking to make himself look good. \u00a0In fact, most of what he does he knows is going to make himself look bad! \u00a0People said he had demons, after all. \u00a0They called him a blasphemer and many other things. \u00a0So why did he make confrontation? So that God could be glorified. \u00a0He knew the Pharisees and those like them needed to be dealt with. \u00a0They needed<\/em> to be confronted. \u00a0And so he did what he needed to do. \u00a0He didn’t shy away from it, afraid people might think he was conceited or a trouble maker. \u00a0That was going to happen, but it still needed to be dealt with.<\/p>\n And this is, incidentally, the same attitude we see from Paul in Galatians 2:11ff. \u00a0When he sees how Peter is behaving, does he shirk the responsibility, afraid that he might cause some conflict? \u00a0On the contrary, in front of everyone he confronts Peter with his sin. \u00a0But was he contentious about it? \u00a0I don’t see any reason to believe that. \u00a0It wasn’t about Paul being so awesome, but rather about the people around them being persuaded to more closely follow Christ.<\/p>\n I guess here’s my point – sometimes things need to be confronted, and sometimes, it’s going to be a bit dirty. \u00a0But just because something isn’t pretty doesn’t mean it doesn’t need to be done. \u00a0Surgery isn’t pretty, but it saves lives when done properly. \u00a0In fact, I think that’s the analogous difference between confrontational and contentious. \u00a0Being confrontational is like doing surgery. \u00a0It can be painful, a bit nasty, and may even take a bit to heal up. \u00a0But in the end you’re better for it. \u00a0Being contentious, on the other hand, is nothing more than slicing people open wildly with a knife, all the while claiming that you are trying to help. \u00a0It’s going to be bloody, painful, and nothing short of damaging to everyone involved.<\/p>\n So just a thought of encouragement – let’s learn not to be afraid of confrontation! But as we are admonished in Proverbs, we need to involve wisdom in our decisions. \u00a0Perhaps that is one of the key differences between confrontation and contention – wisdom. \u00a0Even Jesus knew there were times to avoid confrontation and times to take it head-on (cf. John 7:1ff). \u00a0Of course, this is going to take wisdom from all sides. \u00a0Imagine you’re Peter, being confronted by Paul – what’s your first reaction? \u00a0Mine is going to be defensiveness. \u00a0I’m going to do whatever I can to not face the facts. \u00a0So from the side of the confronted, we’ve got to be more willing to take the criticism that may be involved.<\/p>\n Regardless, just because something can be difficult doesn’t mean it needs to be avoided. \u00a0It takes years and years of training to become a skilled surgeon. \u00a0So too it will take time to be skilled in confronting people without being contentious. \u00a0Nevertheless, it needs to happen! \u00a0We need more confrontation and less acquiescence. \u00a0I’m not saying we need confrontation all the time, but we certainly need to stop worrying so much about avoiding it that we never say some hard things that need to be said. \u00a0Maybe this plays out among our brothers and sisters in Christ, where we address and discuss problems openly, even when they may \u00a0lead to a great deal of tension. \u00a0Or maybe it plays out in evangelism, when we frankly talk to people about their need for Christ. \u00a0Maybe it plays out in a more practical way, as we deal with our families or co-workers. \u00a0Regardless, I think if we can be more like Christ – a character who is meek, humble, and confrontational – we will be better off.<\/p>\n I would like to pose a final question to any of you reading. \u00a0How do we accomplish this? \u00a0How can we go about being confrontational without being contentious? \u00a0What was it that made Christ a character who is both without blame, yet blatantly confrontational in his communication with the people around him? \u00a0What can we learn from his life in this way, and how can we apply it to our own lives? \u00a0I look forward to your thoughts here, because the practical application of this idea is, without a doubt, the hardest part about it!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" One of the things I often see people do from an interpersonal communication perspective is avoid conflict. \u00a0I think the reason for this is that…<\/p>\n